What do you lot do when you dislike a metamour? | I'thousand Poly and So Can You

What practice you do when yous dislike a metamour? I take never disliked any of my partner'south partners until now. I don't enjoy their company, they are newish to poly and go weird and prickly at group functions which is hard on the whole polycule - but most of all I similar my partner less when they are with this person. My partner is less kind, more cutting, they even have unlike body linguistic communication and vocabulary. Talking about the difference in personality has not helped- it merely freaked my partner out. I pride myself on beingness an easy-going lover with good advice skills, and we've washed the "spend more than fourth dimension together" thing, but it hasn't improved over the year. Help.

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First of all, I'm so pitiful to hear that you're having conflict with someone who is in your intimate circle. I've been there, and information technology can cause a lot of emotional turmoil, resentment, and feelings of destabilization. It can too trigger a loss of respect for your partner, which never bodes well within an intimate partnership.

It sounds like you typically have shut relationships with your metamours in a very "family oriented" fashion of polyamory that resonates with my personal preference, and I desire yous to know - above anything else - that the labor of initiating, sustaining, and/or healing the relationship between you and a metamour is Not yours' to carry alone. In fact, in my opinion, the majority of that responsibleness should fall on the partner that you take in common (particularly for this type of situation, which isn't a reaction to a specific occurence between y'all two, but rather a dynamic that has been a constant since your partner synced up with this person).

Both you and your metamour should remain open and receptive to utilizing multiple channels of communication in troubleshooting this incompatibility, merely in the meantime, here are some things that your shared partner tin can - and should - do to help back up and encourage a relationship betwixt y'all two:

  1. Spotter how yous speak about your partners to one other. Typically when I'm interested in someone new, I'll relay a succinct, well-rounded "profile" of that person to my pre existing partners. Their proper name, identities, poly experience, politics, what they do/how they walk in the world, etc. This way my partners experience "in the know", while also being presented with an opportunity to speak upwardly if something concerns them (in your circumstance, I definitely would have communicated my anxiety effectually this new interest beingness a poly amateur to my partner). It doesn't mean you give your partners "veto power", necessarily, merely if they're people you love and intendance near, their opinions effectually someone new should affair to you.

    If you don't already know what individual qualities your partner(due south) like to run across in the folks yous appointment - ie transparency, good communication skills, a sense of humour, someone in the LGBT community, activism, etc - and WHY those things are important to them, then you better sit down and ask them STAT.

    Too, no thing how skillful at compersion my people are, I'one thousand always careful to not downplay the new interest (ie. "Eh, I don't know most this ane, they're kind of annoying but I'm going to wait it out and meet.") OR present the new involvement on a gilt pedestal (ie "OH MY GOD I'm already head over heels for this person! They're SO smart and funny and empathetic and I can't WAIT to fuck them!"). Much of my partners' initial emotional reaction to a new interest is going to rely simply as much on HOW I roll it out to them equally it does WHEN, and then I try to do information technology authentically withal neutrally, while always providing my pre existing partner with reassurance before and after. If I'k setting them up to dislike the new person at the outset - either via wariness or jealousy - it's going to take much more than effort to undo that perception afterwards.

  2. If y'all already know that there are going to be incompatibilities between a new partner and a pre existing partner, do the labor to begin ways to bridge the gap(southward). Constantly encourage your partners to talk to yous about the challenges they're having, and Heed. Ask them what their idea of an "ideal outcome" looks like in relation to the other partner. Highlight the accurate similarities that you've observed betwixt both partners to illustrate that they may indeed exist able identify commonalities that resonate. Inquire them what YOU tin can do to aid facilitate a happier, healthier relationship between the two of them. Then, show up.

  3. Be able to gracefully receive feedback about how YOUR behavior may accept inverse as a result of a new interest's influence. Believe them.In your case, reader, instead of claiming to be "freaked out" by the personality/behavior shifts yous've observed then shutting the conversation down, your partner needs to understand that acknowledging this is but a fraction of the piece of work. Immediately follow up with, "Give thanks you for hearing me and for validating my observations. At present, what are you going to practise nigh it?" And if this whole situation is impacting your entire polycule as you indicated earlier - and not just you - then understand that there is strength in numbers, and perchance multiple members can help cultivate a group "intervention".

  4. Personality incompatibilities betwixt partners may non always exist impactful enough to mean the severing of ties, but you know what is? If i partner doesn't respect the relationship yous have with some other.

This thankfully hasn't happened very often in my personal partnerships, simply if I:

a) Grab a new partner shit-talking an existing partner,
b) Watch them unapologetically ignore or throw shade at pre existing partners in shared spaces, or
c) Experience them challenging the hierarchy of my electric current relationships and/or trying to coerce more time or intimacy out of of my energy reserves when I'd Conspicuously stated what I was and wasn't available for…

...then they don't deserve the privilege of my companionship. Menstruation, the finish.

Evidence your partner this list, reader, and watch closely how they respond. You'll know what to practise.